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Introduction
There comes a time when each of us is suddenly confronted by the
stark reality of death. Our nearest and dearest are called to their
Eternal reward, leaving a great void in our hearts. At such a time, we
have a profound desire to honor the memory of our loved ones in
accordance with the Tradition of our faith and our people. Yet, at that
moment, we often find ourselves faced with a multiplicity of vexing
questions concerning these Traditional practices for which we have no
immediate answers, or we find conflicting opinions.
In order to help you understand the rules and practices of the Jewish
Tradition with regard to the end of life, Temple Israel has
prepared this Guide For The Living. We hope that through it, the
burden of your sorrow will be lightened.
We submit it also to our entire membership in order to provide
important information about an event, which we all must encounter in the
course of the years. The time to understand the practice and theory of
the rituals of mourning and the wisdom of consolation is when the mind
and heart are tranquil. These are the moments in which to prepare one
self for that which is inevitable, irrevocable and which ought not break
our spirit. This booklet will help you face the trials of death better
informed and prepared. As you familiarize yourself with its contents,
the wisdom of the Jewish Tradition will become a part of your life.
A
Time to Mourn
Since Judaism is a way of life, Jewish Tradition teaches specific
ways of confronting all aspects of life, including death. Our
Tradition's practices in this area are governed by respect for the dead
and concern for the mourner. Dignity and taste are further basic
assumptions of Jewish Law in mourning. The procedures of mourning
initiate a process of healing that exercises its therapy through
recognition of the reality of grief, and of the healing process which
only time can bring.
Only an outline of observance can be presented in these pages.
Who Is A Mourner?
We are obliged to mourn for a father, mother, son, daughter, brother,
sister (including half-brother and half sister), husband or wife, but
not for an infant less than thirty days old. Thus, in-laws and
grandchildren are not designated as mourners. Males from the age of
thirteen years and one day and females from the age of twelve years and
one day should observe the laws of mourning.
We are permitted to observe the mourning rites for anyone, not
only for the relatives listed above. The Hebrew term for mourner is Avel,
the plural, Avelim. Conservative
Judaism encourages, some say require, the observance of all Jewish
mourning rituals by Jews by Choice for their departed non-Jewish
relatives.
Between
Death and Burial
During this period the mourner is known as an onen. The most
important duty of this time is arranging for the funeral and the burial
of the dead. In recognition of this and of the mourner's state of mind
at this time, the onen is exempted from fulfilling other
religious duties, such as reciting prayers or putting on tefillin,
and is not called to the Torah in the synagogue. An onen should
not indulge in luxuries or pleasures, or conduct business and
professional activities. On Shabbat or on a Festival, an onen
follows the appropriate public observances of the day, which include
eating meat, drinking wine, and reciting benedictions.
While one may want to offer an onen assistance in making the
funeral arrangements, it is not customary to visit the onen
during this time.
Care
of the Deceased
During the last moments of life, family members should not leave, for
their presence is an expression of great respect. After death has
occurred, the eyes and mouth of the deceased should be closed, and a
sheet drawn over his/her face. The funeral director should be called. He
will arrange for the removal of the body and for the many other matters
that must be attended to.
Respect for the Dead
Human life is sacred. The human body deserves respect, even after the
breath of life has left it. Respect for the dead (k'vod hamet) is
a fundamental principle governing Jewish practice. One expression of
this respect is the ritual washing (taharah) of the dead body,
which is then dressed in shrouds (takhrikhim). This is done or
supervised by members of the Chevra Kadisha, a group
traditionally devoted to the proper burial of the dead.
Please contact Temple Israel, and proper arrangements will
be made for taharah.
Jewish tradition teaches us that the dead must be buried as soon as
possible. A delay is permitted when it is needed to obtain shrouds or a
proper coffin, or for the sake of honoring the dead by waiting for
relatives and friends who must travel great distances.
The dead are not to be put on display. In Traditional practice, the
coffin is not opened to the public at the funeral. It is preferable that
the coffin not be opened to any but the intimate family circle. Should
this be done, it is to take place prior to the funeral service.
People who wish to express their respect and sympathy in a tangible
way should contribute to a favorite cause of the deceased. Mourners
generally prefer being notified of charitable contributions made in
memory of the dead rather than receiving flowers. Jewish tradition has
always emphasized concern for the living, helping the needy in this
world. This is also a way of extending the influence of the deceased
after he or she is no longer walking this earth.
Embalming
Embalming is prohibited by the Jewish Tradition and should be
practiced only when required by law, upon the recommendation of the
funeral director or for kavod ha-met (respect for the dead) when
a delay in the burial would otherwise result in putrefaction of the
body.
Cremation
Cremation
is prohibited by the Jewish law. A Rabbi or Cantor affiliated with the
Conservative Movement may not officiate at a funeral service linked with
cremation.
Separate
arrangements may be made for a private memorial service led by the Rabbi
or Cantor before or after the funeral.
However, clergy may in no way be associated with a cremation, or
with an above ground entombment ceremony.
Cremated ashes may be buried in a Jewish cemetery and appropriate
prayers said by the family. However,
a Rabbi or Cantor may not officiate at the cemetery.
Autopsies
The practice of routine autopsies
is contrary to Jewish law. Autopsies
are allowed when required by civil law, or when a medical authority
claims that it could provide new knowledge to help heal others'
suffering.
Organ
Donation
Organ
donation is viewed as an example of K'vod Ha-met (respect
for the deceased), as it brings healing to the living.
Thus, willing certain organs or tissues is not only permissible,
but it is considered a mitzvah.
Shrouds
and Coffin
Our
tradition teaches that all Jews are to be buried in the same type of
inexpensive garments, plain white linen or cotton shrouds (takhrikhim).
This practice emphasizes the fact that all people, rich and poor alike,
are equal before God. Shrouds are located at Temple Israel, and are
available to all local funeral homes upon request.
The
same principle is reflected in the requirement of a plain, wooden
coffin. There are many beautiful caskets made specifically for Jewish
burials, and which meet the requirements of Jewish tradition.
It is customary for a dead man to be buried in a tallit, which he
used during his life, after one of the fringes has been cut to make it
ritually unfit. Objects of value for the living are not buried with the
dead.
Kriah
Kriah, a tear made in the mourner's clothing or on a ribbon
attached to the clothing, is an external symbol of inner grief and
mourning. It has been so considered since ancient times. In the Bible,
Jacob, David, and Job, for example, reacted to reports of death by
rending their garments.
Kriah is usually made immediately preceding the start of the
funeral service. It must be done for the Avel while the mourner
is standing, to signify that we should confront sorrow directly.
For a parent, Kriah is on the left side, close to the heart.
For all others, Kriah is on the right side. The mourner recites a
benediction immediately before Kriah: Baruch attah Adenai eloheynu
melech ha'olam, dayan hamet. "Praised are You, Lord our God,
King of the universe, the righteous judge". Like the mourner's
kaddish, this benediction is a reaffirmation of faith, and of the value
of life, made at a time of intense sorrow and pain. Kriah should
be visible throughout the period of shivah, but not on Shabbat.
If one learns of a relative's death within thirty days after the
fact, Kriah is required. Kriah is always required whenever
one learns of a parent's death, regardless of the length of time that
has elapsed since the day of death.
The
Funeral: Levayah
The literal translation of levayah, "accompanying,"
teaches us that the nature of a Jewish funeral implies
involvement. It is a mitzvah and an act of respect not only to attend
the funeral service, but, especially to accompany the dead, walking
behind the coffin for at least a few feet immediately after the funeral
or at the cemetery. Despite Jewish folk lore, pregnant women are allowed
to attend a funeral at the Chapel or the graveside.
The funeral service consists of suitable prayers of consolation and a
eulogy memorializing the deceased, which is delivered by the Rabbi or
Cantor. The Cantor chants appropriate selections from the Book of Psalms
and the traditional memorial prayer "El Mole Rachamim"
(The Lord of Compassion).
Jewish Tradition regards the use of organ or instrumental music at a
funeral service as inappropriate.
Both the funeral and the burial services are brief. The Biblical and
other texts read generally emphasize human mortality, resignation to
God's inscrutable will, affirmation of life, acknowledgment of God as
the true judge, and immortality of the soul.
Pall
Bearers
It is customary to name 6 to 8 persons who are not the
immediate mourners but who were close to the decedent to serve as
pallbearers to help carry the coffin from the chapel to the gravesite.
Honorary pallbearers may also be designated.
At
the Cemetery
The dead are buried in the earth. "For dust you are and to dust
you shall return" (Genesis 3:10).
We show our respect and love for the dead through personal
involvement in the funeral and burial. Some follow the practice that the
procession pauses several times on its way to the grave.
It is appropriate for relatives and friends to drop several spadesful
of earth on the lowered coffin, a final act of loving-kindness,
reflecting their constant concern for one whom they loved.
After reciting Kaddish, the mourners walk between two lines formed by
the others present, who say Hamakom yunakhem etkhem b'tokh sh'ar
aveilei tzion virushalayim. "May the Almighty comfort you with
all the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem".
It is customary to rinse the hands as an act of symbolic purification
before entering the home upon returning from the cemetery.
Mourner's
Kaddish
A mourner first recites kaddish at the cemetery after burial. The
kaddish is generally thought of as a prayer for the dead. But while the
mourner's kaddish certainly is recited in that context, it does not
mention death or the dead. The kaddish is an affirmation of life and
faith, confronting death with life. Reciting the mourner's kaddish is an
act of looking to the future and all of life with faith and hope, in the
presence of grief and despair.
The kaddish emphasizes hallowing and praising God's Name through
redemption of life in this world and through the universal acceptance of
His sovereignty. In addition to the form of kaddish known as mourner's
kaddish, there are several variations recited at the conclusion of
various sections of the prayer service.
Kaddish is an Aramaic word meaning holy. Recitation of kaddish is an
act of hallowing and praising God and His name. In Jewish tradition,
such an act must take place in public assembly, which is defined as at
least a quorum of ten adults (minyan). Thus the kaddish is recited only
in the presence of a minyan.
Mourner's Kaddish is recited for eleven months, less one day,
counting from the day of the death. In a leap year, First Adar and
Second Adar are counted as two separate months. Mourner's Kaddish is
also recited on each anniversary of the death (yahrzeit), and at
the Memorial Service of Yizkor on Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Pesach and Shavuot.
Meal
of Consolation
An Avel's first meal after returning from the cemetery (se'udat
havra'ah) is provided by friends and neighbors, who thus express
their concern in a practical way. The meal generally includes hard
boiled eggs, lentils or other round objects symbolizing fate and the
wheel of life, for some symbolizing life and resurrection. Neither wine
nor meat is served at this meal.
Religious
Services
Generally, Religious Services are held at the house of mourning,
usually in the evenings, enabling the mourners to recite Kaddish. In
this circumstance, it is proper for mourners to attend the synagogue
minyan for the morning service. If religious services are not held at
the home, or if Shivah is not observed for the entire week, it is
correct that mourners attend the Synagogue Minyan for morning and
evening services, at which they will recite Kaddish. Services are not
held at the home of the mourner on Friday night, Saturday morning, and
Saturday night.
In the home, two candles should be placed on the table used as the
lectern for the services and lit before the daily services begin.
A candle, which burns continuously for seven days, is lit upon
returning home from the cemetery. The light of the candle symbolizes the
soul. "The soul of man is the light of the Lord". (Proverbs
20:27).
Visiting a House of Mourning
The mitzvah of comforting mourners (nilhum aveilim) is
fulfilled by a personal visit to the house of mourning. Fulfilling this
mitzvah, in Rabbinic tradition, is "one of the things which bring
good to the world" The very fact that you have come to the house of
mourning is an act of respect and comfort.
One should not feel compelled to maintain a constant flow of
conversation. The most appropriate topic of conversation is the
deceased, and his or her life. A visit should not be unduly long, and is
not the time for general socializing.
People visiting a house of mourning should not expect to be served or
even offered food by any of the mourners, who thus would be acting in
the inappropriate role of hosts at a social gathering. It is proper for
relatives and friends to attend to the needs of the mourner and the
household.
Upon leaving, one may offer a sentence of the Tradition to the
mourners: Hamakom ye-nakhem etkhem b'tokh shear aveilei tzion
virushalayim. "May the Almighty comfort you with all the other
mourners of Zion and Jerusalem".
Shivah
Shivah means seven, the number of days in the stage of
mourning, which begins with the day of burial. This observance is traced
to ancient times, for the Bible states that Joseph mourned seven days
after his father, Jacob's death.
Mourners stay together at the home of the deceased or at the home of
a mourner, cut off from the normal routine of their lives, which death
has interrupted. They abstain from business and professional activities,
sexual intercourse, bathing except for hygienic purposes, or anointing
the body, using cosmetics and cutting hair. For hygienic purposes, they
may change clothes and garments that touch the body.
An exception is made if severe financial loss would result from not
working.
As an outward symbol of mourning, the mourner divests himself of some
of the comforts of life. For that reason, mourners who follow
Traditional practices sit on low stools or benches and do not wear
leather footwear. Cushions are removed from couches and non-leather
slippers are worn. (Exceptions are made for pregnant women and others
for whom this might cause difficulties). Many follow the custom that
mirrors (symbols of vanity) are either covered in the house of mourning
or turned to the wall.
The day of the burial, not the day of death, counts as the first day
of shivah.
Sabbath & Festivals & Shivah
Shabbat is included in counting the seven days, though on Shabbat no
outward signs of mourning apply. The mourners should wear regular shoes,
sit on regular chairs and change into clothing that bears no sign of
mourning. The torn garment or ribbon is not worn. They also attend
synagogue services.
On Friday (unless it is the seventh day of shivah) or on the
day before a Festival, shivah is observed until two and one half
hours before Sunset. On Pesach eve, it ends at noon.
Pesach, Shavuot, Sukkot, Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur, annul the
remainder of shivah, provided that the mourner has first observed
at least one hour of shivah before the holiday began.
If burial takes place on the intermediate days (Chol Hamoed)
of the holiday of Pesach or Sukkot, then shivah is not observed
until after the end of the holiday.
The End of Shivah
Shivah ends on the morning of the seventh day. Thus, if the
funeral was held on Monday, shivah will conclude on the following
Sunday morning. Mourners are required to sit for only a brief period.
When the funeral is held on Sunday, shivah is observed through
Friday afternoon, and concludes on Sabbath morning.
To mark the end of shivah, it is customary for the mourners to
take a short walk outside of the home together symbolizing their return
to life's normal routine.
Though not forbidden by Jewish law, it is customary not visit the
grave of the deceased until 30 days have passed since the funeral.
When speaking of the deceased, a Hebrew phrase is generally added: alav
hashalom (may he rest in peace) or aleha hashalom (may she
rest in peace). Zikhrono livrakhah (for a male) and Zikronah
livrakhah (for a female) are also used, meaning "of blessed
memory."
Shloshim
Shloshim ("thirty") ends on the morning of the
thirtieth day after the funeral. The period from the end of shiva
to the end of shloshim is one of transition from deep bereavement
to resuming life's normal routine. A mourner during this period does not
wear new clothes or cut the hair, does not participate in general
festivities, and avoids public places of entertainment. A mourner does
not attend parties celebrating a brit milah, pidyon haben,
or a wedding, though he or she may attend the ceremonies. When mourning
a parent's death, restrictions continue until twelve months after the
day of death.
As noted before, if mourning has been observed for at least one hour
before a Festival, shivah is ended by that Festival. In that
event, shloshim ends fifteen days after the last day of Pesach or
Shavuot, and eight days after the last day of Sukkot.
When shivah is completed before a Festival, shloshim
ends when the Festival begins. When shivah ends before Yom
Kippur, shloshim ends with Sukkot.
If burial took place during chol hamo'ed, the intermediate
days of a Festival, shivah begins after the last day of a
Festival, which counts as one of the days of shivah and shloshim.
Tombstone
It is customary to place a tombstone (matzeivah) on a grave,
dedicating it in a brief ceremony, known as unveiling, which usually
takes place within a year after the death. However, it may take place at
any time after the thirty-day period.
There are a variety of practices concerning inscriptions, though the
tendency emphasizes simplicity. The Hebrew and English names of the
dead, dates of birth and death, and certain Hebrew letters are generally
included. These letters are the initials of the words in the phrase tehei
nishmato/nishmatah tzereurah bitzror ha-yahim. "May his/her
soul be bound up in the bond of life."
While the formal unveiling of a tombstone is of significance to the
family and friends, Jewish tradition has not emphasized it as a basic
ceremony. Care should be taken to avoid the extremes of either another
funeral or a festive reunion, at the cemetery or at home. Often, a Rabbi
or Cantor conducts a brief service at the gravesite. Families can offer
their own service and recite appropriate prayers and psalms. These are
available from the synagogue office.
Respect paid to the memory of the dead is not confined to the site
where the earthly remains are interred. But as the grave does symbolize
a memorial for the dead, it is an appropriate place for family and
friends to gather in respect.
The formal unveiling itself is a symbol, signifying that we open our
hearts to the memory of the dead, to the meaning of their lives, to
their influence upon us, and to appropriate ways of perpetuating their
devotion.
Yahrzeit
Yahrzeit is observed on each anniversary of the day of death
according to the Hebrew Calendar. Temple Israel records the names
of deceased relatives of our membership. If the name of your departed is
in our records, you will be notified of your Yahrzeit date in advance.
One who is not certain of the day when a relative died should select
an appropriate date on which to observe yahrzeit each year.
A candle should burn in the home during the twenty-four hour period
of yahrzeit, sunset to sunset, starting on the evening preceding the
day. When the yahrzeit coincides with Shabbat or a Festival, the
yahrzeit candle should be lit before the candle-lighting for the day.
It is appropriate to fulfill some mitzvah in honor of the dead on
this day. This could consist of study, leading services in the
synagogue, or contributing to some worthy cause in memory of the
deceased. It is also appropriate for family and friends to gather on the
yahrzeit for the purpose of recalling various aspects of and events in
the life of the dead, perpetuating his or her memory in a warm and
intimate atmosphere.
Mourner's kaddish is recited at all services on the yahrzeit, from
evening services on the night before through afternoon services on the
day itself. The names of the departed of each week are read at the end
of the Sabbath Morning Service.
In addition to the Daily Minyan when the Yahrzeit is observed, one
should be present on Shabbat to recite Kaddish. This is not intended as
a substitute for one's weekday recitation, but is in addition to it.
One who is unable to recite Mourner's kaddish on the day of yahrzeit
may do so at the evening service following the day of yahrzeit.
Yizkor
Yizkor ("May God remember") services in memory of
the dead are held on Yom Kippur, the eighth day of Sukkot, the last day
of Pesach and on the second day of Shavuot. Contrary to popular opinion,
a person with a living parent may attend Yizkor services.
During the first year of bereavement, one may attend Yizkor Services,
although this is not an obligation.
It is a beautiful custom that a memorial candle is lit before the
Yizkor day, particularly Yom Kippur, as a sign of memory.
Visiting the Cemetery
Many people visit the cemetery on the occasion of Yahrzeit.
Others also visit from time-to-time. Individuals can offer
prayers and recite psalms in Hebrew or English. These are available from
the synagogue office.
Jewish custom indicates that stones, picked up at the gravesite, may
be placed as a memorial sign on the tombstone. After the visit, one
washes the hands as a symbol of purification.
Memorial Plaques
It is proper that the name of the deceased loved one be permanently
linked to the synagogue, the House of God. A memorial plaque recording
the Hebrew and English name can be secured by contacting the synagogue
office. Memorial plaques are grouped by the Hebrew months. In the course
of the year, new plaques are dedicated on the eighth day of Pesach and
on the eighth day of Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret.
Local Funeral
Homes
It is important to select a funeral home that has experience and
knowledge in Jewish funeral practices and law.
Certain funeral homes in the Tri-Cites area have the requisite
knowledge and experience to serve members of the Jewish community. The
synagogue office can direct you to those facilities on which you may be
comfortable relying.
Acknowledgments
I express gratitude to Congregation Shaarey Zedek of Southfield,
Michigan, to CSZ's Chevra Kadisha, and to Rabbi Irwin Groner for their
permission to excerpt information from the Shaarey Zedek Bereavement
Guide. Selections are
also included from The Book of Life, by Rabbi Jules Harlowe.
Cantor Daniel S. Gale
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